to take a photo... digitally

yesterday morning
i did something
i've not done
in a long time
had a friend
that needed some headshots taken
standard 8x10
black and whites
well,
ever since the surgery
i found i cannot see through my right eye
and when shooting through my left
the photos turned out differently
like, badly different
framed really funny
as if my left eye doesn't see the world
quite the same as my right
so for the last 4 years
i've pretty much been out of the photography thing

anyways,
i used my brother's tiny little digital camera
(it's a canon elph thingy)
and after messing up a few shots
got out my old tripod
(can we say overkill?)
and used it to steady things
and ended up shooting
for about 4 and a half hours
it was really cool
because
the digital display at the back
allowed me to see the shot i was framing
with BOTH eyes
which really made a difference
my right eye still gets multiple images
but is stabilized by my left
in any case
we took over a hundred shots
(not including deleted ones)
and the neatest thing was
i could ask the subject for feedback
on how she wanted herself to look
right then and there!
no more waiting for proofs
or a contact sheet to be developed
and hoping you got something
that they feel is "them"
it's been a neat experience
revisiting something i used to do so much
and love so much
but which has been amputated from my life
for the last 4 years
it's like rediscovering a love
for old things
and that was super cool
with my jury-rigged background
(basically taking things down
from the fireplace mantle
and around it...
covering the plants with blankets
*cheer black and white*)
and my amazingly unprofessional lighting
(retractable desklamps
some of which i held by hand)
to try to give the photos
somewhat of a "pro" look :)
anyways,
i got some really neat photos
of her eyes
so what i'll likely do
is post a few of them in a later blog

now i'm thinking
of getting a digital slr
to go with my pentax lenses...
hehehe
but i think i'll still hold off a bit
for the technology to get a lil better
in any case
it's been fun
and i hope to have
some neat stuff ta show you all!
:)

the justification of stepford *****SPOILERS*****

ok
if you've watched stepford wives
(the new version)
then maybe you can tell me
how this following things make sense
if you've not watched it yet
and you want to go see the movie
you may want to skip this blog

here goes...
justification for how the wives become "robots":
they're controlled through neural implants in their brain
well if that's the case
how come the wife at the square dance sparks?
-even if we allow for some suspension of reality
when the wife starts spinning at super human speeds
the sparks seem like something a "robot" could do
but not a human with little implants in her brain
how come bette midler's character
(after she's taken over)
can put her hand on a burning stove and not burn?
she doesn't have burns on her hand afterwards
and if the toy robot dog
really was a prize terrier
how come it looks like a toy dog
instead of a real one...
did they just take the brain of the little guy
and stick it in a robot body?
ok,
finally
when matthew and nicole's characters
go down into the inner sanctum
there's a robot body lying on the slab
it's looks hollow
so maybe it's something that fits or grafts
over the body of the body of the wife?
like a robotic jump suit?
that's about the only way i could think of explaining
how the wives could spark or not burn
but it still doesn't really explain the terrier
nor does it explain nicole's long blonde hair at the end
that being said
when the wives are finally "freed" at the end
if they were wearing robotic suits,
you'd think they would do something about them
ok,
that's all
if anyone can figure out
a justification for all these inconsistencies
i'd love to hear them
in the end
it's just a movie
but still...
one should TRY to make them believable :)

[review] stepford wives

haven't seen the original
so i won't have any comparisons for that
was in a theatre
with a mixed crowd
and it seems
the older folks
(especially the older ladies)
really enjoyed this movie
i found it to be watchable
with funny moments here and there
(like the t.v. spots
for types of shows they were running )
and the odd tiny bit of suspence
nicole kidman with short dark hair
looks very different
maybe it's me
but in this day and age
robots just aren't that thrilling
and tho there's some modern day justifications
for how they could do what they did
(trying not to give anything away)
if you're detail oriented
and even vaguely logical
you'll find
a bunch of the smaller arcs in the movie
do not complete themselves
yup,
that's right
they leave alot of ends hanging
details like the robot dog
and even moreso
the scene where they descend
(husband and wife)
near the end
and the purpose
of some of the items
you see there
oh well,
alot of the characters were... unrealistic
(i'm talking about the humans *wink*)
but that's ok too
and i gotta love
how they got
christopher walken
to play the part he did
hehehe
all in all,
an ok movie
and i'm glad
i only paid 3 bucks
to watch it in a dollar theatre

[review] chronicles of riddick

a very different movie
from "pitch black"
a pure sci-action film
without the thriller/suspense aspect

if you like watching
invincible heros
doing incredible things
and doing it with that cool bad-ass style
in a sci-fi setting
then go watch this movie
because you'll love it
if you like a good story arc
this one isn't too bad
and tries to complete
some of the things from the first movie
if you like details
and understanding whys
then go this movie
but don't have any expectations :P
because alot of those things aren't explained
i guess with all the cool s-fx and design stuff
they figured
they didn't need
to explain stuff like
how super-necromonger-leader
(the "lord marshal")
got his powers and cool sfx ;)
in any case
true to any hollywood big budget film
they've left the ending open
to a possible sequel
:)

[review] X-1.5 & X-2 dvd

ordered these dvds online
(from futureshop)
and wasn't disappointed
first week to really rest
and i spend
the first day
watching dvds
and all the extras
that go along with them :P
hehehe
(ok, that was monday night)
anyways,
x1.5 has 6 extra deleted scenes
that are accessible
by watching the movie
and branching off
(you hit enter when you see the X)
i don't really like that
as it disrupts the continuity of the movie
there were interview segments
in the bonus materials
and i always enjoy watching those
had some other "filler" stuff
(hand held footage of meetings
boooorrrrinnnng
*snore*)
didn't find any easter eggs
but didn't look too hard either :P
watched x-2 as well
and haven't watched the extra stuff yet

got widescreen versions of both of them -
why someone would want
to watch anything else
is beyond me

and i must say
much as i like the x-men movies
watching about 6 hours
of movie and specials
kind of numbs the brain
(and i seriously did fall asleep
in the x-1.5 bonus of the meeting
of producers, directors, etc)

in any case,
if you liked the movies
you'll like the dvds
:)

looking forward
to seeing x-3
slated for 2006
i just hope
that ian joins patrick for this next sequel
hugh jackman was born to be wolverine
and i'm glad to see he's signed on already!
alan cumming is back as night crawler
(cool!)
and i've heard rumors
that yuriko (lady deathstrike)
might not really be dead
as for jean gray...
well anyone who looked closely
at the last shot
over the water
and knows a lil
about the x-men cartoons
will have a good idea
about what might happen there :)
ok,
that's all for now!

psych lab 1999, edmonton [photo]

thought i'd revisit the past a bit
found this old photo
taken by jason mak
of ko
before his hair got
really really long
and before his hair got
really really short
(yeah, transition phase eh?)
believe it or not,
i volunteered to have
metal thingies stuck into my head
and my brain waves read
because
i thought it was cool :)
that being said
the sci-guy also let
jason and i
take a bunch of crazy cool photos

this is me
after i am unwired.
there's goop in my hair
but you can't tell from the photo
i laugh
every time i see this one
because
i was trying to look like
a vampire
and instead
i think i look like
a girl
it must be the hair eh? ;P


psych lab 1999, edmonton

ko and a lighthouse [photo]

just thought i'd post
a photo of ko
...one of the few i have
with me in it
instead of me taking it :P


green island, taiwan - autumn 2001

gray days

gotta say
i hate gray days.
that dreary overcast
that makes the sky
look bland, endless and dull
no cloud definition
a pale gloomy light
that seems to suck the life
out of me
yup,
today is one of those days
and i'd prolly feel better
if i didn't have this big window
to look out of
isn't it strange
how artificial light
can have more life and warmth
than nature sometimes?
of all weather conditions
gray days are the hardest for me
not sure why
maybe it's the energy in the air
or lack thereof

it's the end of august
the earth is preparing
to go to sleep
early this year
or so it seems
because it feels like
late autumn already
and if it started snowing
right now
i would not be surprised

so what does one do
on a gray gray day?
eat ice cream
watch a movie
read a book
and wait for it to pass
one good thing about gray days...
it makes every other day
better by comparison
:)

swimming fast

the secret to swimming fast
is finding the flow
the secret to finding the flow
is going slow

thus,
to swim fast
go slow

-ko

summer's end

my original psuedo-intention
for this blog
was to write something every day or two
a little story
of an event in life
that i could share with everyone
as usual,
life sometimes gets a little busy
and when all is said and done
days have passed
anyways...

this weekend last
my kids swam in their regional meet
and even though
it's only been
a single summer season
coaching these guys
it feels like
SO much longer
i guess that's what happens
when one takes on a commitment
in which one is involved
almost every day continuously
tho i only see them
a couple of hours a night
i spend a portion of my time
during the day
thinking of things
to do in practice
that will challenge them
that will give them the opportunity to improve
that will let them have fun
that will teach them to think
that will allow them to explore
and most of all
that will let them want to come back
and swim, swim, swim again!
i so love
sharing all that i know
with those that wish to learn and grow
just because they want to
self-motivation is an awesome thing!
now,
as the season's end draws near
with this week
as the last week of practice
crunch time is over for me
as our head coach takes the team to provincials
(tho i am sure
i will appear some time
and spectate *wink*)
i will finally have a moment to rest
a short pause in life
before new commitments
and duties for the autumn
start up
i could write a million words
and still never come close to expressing
what i've just experienced in
the journey that i've just been on
maybe it happens
when you really put your heart into something
for me,
i notice that this pretty much only happens
when i am working with a group of people
in an intense way
the neat thing is
as the years pass and the decades dribble by
i am much more laid back
than i used to be
but i still feel
that i've grown alot
in a short period of time...
i've got a bit of a rest coming to me now
and i'm in that place
where i know the rest will do me well
but at the same time
i'd love to coach
just one more practice
just one more meet
and be a part of the coolest thing
the life and growth of these fine young people
:)

group laughter :)

last night
an almost trivial event occurred
i created a game
for the "little kids" on the team
to try to get over
their fear of jumping
off the blocks
it was a simple
but judging from the kids' pleas to
"can we try one more time! pleeeeaaasee???"
i think it was fun enuff
anyways,
the game was pretty simple
i hold a flutter board
a few meters out from the blocks
and they have to jump
and try to touch it
before they enter feet first into the water
then the second time around
i move the board
either farther away
or higher up
depending on how
they did the first time
i know...
simple :)
well,
after maybe round 4 or so
the youngest of our swimmers
and the smallest of our swimmers
but with some serious dive start power
(even the "big kids" admire his starts)
a plucky lil guy
by the name of matthew
decided he wanted to really go for it
so i held up the board
at height higher than my head level
and about 3 meters out from the blocks
as soon as i had raised the board
another swimmer spoke to me from behind
and i turned to answer her question
the timing was perfect
because as i turned
lil matthew
launched himself from the block
like a human missile
but with my head rotating
my hand had moved up and away
and in mid air
again from behind me
(as i'd turned away)
i hear this squeaky high pitched
"heeeeeeeeyyyyyyy!!"
followed by
what sounded like a massive belly flop
i turned back
in time to get soaked by the splash
and see a couple of my swimmers
laughing hysterically
and a bubbling water filled voice
coming from below me
(matthew in the pool)
stating with righteous indignity,
"you moved it! that's not fair!...
...can i try again? please?"
to which i laughed,
"yes, of course!"
as he swam back to the block though
i realized what had happened
as did the other dozen swimmers in my line
and led by the first kid behind the block
(who saw it all)
we all started laughing harder and harder
like an avalanche
gaining momentum
as it breaks away
down a snowy landscape
until
a dozen of my swimmers
(and me :P)
were falling to the ground
clutching our stomachs
because we were laughing so hard
like i said
trivial
...after the lil guy
scrambled out of the pool
and climbed back onto the block
he seemed preplexed
at the sight before him
and couldn't figure out
why we were all hunched over
on the ground
which of course
made us laugh
that much harder
and made the pain in our stomachs
that much greater
8)
i've not laughed like that
in quite a while
and i sure have forgotten
how freeing
such laughter can be
especially
when shared with a whole group of people

anyways
in the end
matthew got his jump
(after i managed to stand up again)
and if you can picture
an 8 year old
3 foot tall
human missile
with a huge grin
that would him :)

the moral of this blog?
games are serious things
when people are having a ton of fun
:)

a pet peeve

there i was
replying to an email
from a friend
and between bursts of work
and burst of email
i wondered
what would be
the inspiration
for my next blog
and then it happened
when i went to send my email
out of yahoo
the server crashed or something
and that means
my email is lost
god, i hate that
the stupid thing is
the last 3 emails
i actually copied into my paste buffer
just in case
and then saved in draft form
again
just in case
and of course
nothing happened
coincidence or fate?
whatever it is
i've got to say
it's supremely annoying
especially since
i went into babble mode
and prolly wrote some really deep
insightful and wise sounding stuff
without even realizing it
but when i will make
my future attempt
to recreate that streak of enlightenment
it'll unfailingly come out
crappy
well,
this is the first time
in a little while
that it's happened again
and i was doing all that copy/save/draft stuff
because yahoo seems a bit flaky
now that they've gone to 100MB free storage
and everyone is ditching hotmail
and switching to there
(at least that's the reason i think they're not as stable
as they used to be)
in any case
it doesn't bring back
what was lost
which makes one wonder
if an email is lost in a server crash
was it ever really written?
(zen ko-an aura)
woah...
(neo aura)

so what is it
that makes this so annoying?
one puts all this time and effort
into doing this
and one knows
that over time
it will be as if
it was never written
as the words fade from memory
or the email is deleted
so why is it such a big deal?
(a little "big deal",
but a big deal nonetheless)
maybe it's because
when i write
it's like i'm speaking
rather than writing
and i'd like to think
i'm as animated
as i feel inside
and as if
i were having a face to face conversation
then,
something like this happens
and it's like
the present was re-written
as if all this effort
all the feelings and emotions
have been wasted
and it's like
it's never existed in the "real world"
and yet you KNOW you've felt them
because you just went through it all
...hey
isn't that like those theories
on time travel
and changing the past
and how it affects things in the future?
you might remember things differently
because you're out of the time/space continuumthingy
but everyone else will only know
the after-effects
of the changes you've made
in this case
it's not even anything as grand as that
you're living in your own little universe
where something has happened
but it's totally unreal
never existed
in any one else's reality
sucks...
maybe that's what it's like to be insane
different realities and all that
so how does one make it sane then?
how does one make it real?
well,
one writes another email
describing the other email that one previously wrote
or one can blog...
then somehow,
it makes it more real, right?
because people will know it existed
-that first email
...the GENESIS email!
now what if it happens twice in a row?
then what does one do?
write an email
explaining how one wrote an email
about the first email (GENESIS email)?
ok,
i'm not tripping out here
the worst case of this
happened 3 times in a row to me once
and the only noticable difference
between the emails
was that the progressive emails
got shorter and shorter
understandable right?
now you're prolly thinking
how stupid could he be,
to let something like that
happen 3 times in a row?
well let me tell you...
first time it happened,
server crashed
second time it happened
wrote a shorter email
and figured the first crash was a one-off thing
but it crashed again anyways
THIRD time, got smarter
(or so i thought)
and wrote the email and saved it to draft
but the draft thingy was crashed too
because this genius here
thought maybe it was only the "compose" part of the server
that was crashing
logical eh?
*mutter*
(it was a LONG day, ok?)
so the fourth time
i actually copied and pasted everything
into a notepad or word file
(can't remember which)
and of course
it didn't crash
murphy's law?
or just another one of
the universe's little tests of patience?
hmmm...
anyways
where was i going with this?
ah yeah,
shorter and shorter...
what if this kept happening?
would the thoughts and emotions
that inspired the first email
eventually cease to be?
or would they be replaced
by some other emotion?
(ie. the emotional need
to hit aforementioned server with a sledgehammer)
i don't think the original inspiration
the original feelings
are ever replaced
i think they just fade
as you write the same thing over and over
and try to re-capture
what you did the first time
in the end,
it becomes meaningless some how
mechanical maybe
and from personal experience
it gets harder and harder
to write it again
if only because
there's nothing to spark the writing or speaking
and that's why
the anger or frustration that comes in
isn't really replacing anything
because you can write a line or two
(or if you're like me
twohundredmillionBLOGlines)
in frustration
but in truth
it will have nothing to do with
what you originally were writing
maybe it's like that karma thing
that reincarnation thing
where one goes and does something
over and over
until one realizes
sooner or later
the futility of the action
and then stops
out of wisdom
or out of boredom
and moves on to something else
and the cycle repeats
and repeats
and repeats
and repeats
and somewhere along the line
after everything seems "pointless"
(in this mortal world of ours)
we become evolved, higher beings
and are enlightened
and then the music begins
*la la la*
and the beams of light shine down
*beam*
from the sky
(where else?!)
and you're like a god or something then
*halo*
:)
if so,
the question now is
do i re-write that email to my friend?
or do i sit and wait for scotty to beam me up?
*ponder*

[review] manchurian candidate and collateral

well
went to see a couple movies yesterday
manchurian candidate with denzel washington
gotta say
i really like denzel
he's a great actor
but i didn't really like his character in this movie
and i'm not sure
if it was the way he was directed
or the way the character was written
there didn't seem to be
any real personality to him
until the police station scene
now the guy who plays raymond shaw
liev schreiber
was way cooler
again
the actors didn't really seem
to get into it until the middle part of the movie
don't know if it was the editing
or the direction
but they looked confused or something ;)
i liked the last half of the movie
didn't like the mom
way too unbelievable
i guess that's what i look for in movies these days
believability
and that being said
i found harry potter believable :)
gary oldman was great!
never saw the first version of manchurian candidate
heard it was quite different
maybe i'll see it one day

tom cruise as a bad guy
was interesting
he's becoming
a better and better actor
gotta love that
and i'm glad
he took on this role
jamie foxx was really cool
and i look forward
to seeing him in "ray"
(ray charles movie)
collateral was enjoyable
a tiny bit unrealistic
with what happens to the fbi and lapd
but was ok nevertheless
because it kept the story
centered on cruise and foxx
mind you
regarding
the build-up of mark ruffalo's character
i've still not decided if it's a good thing or not
i totally didn't recognize him
in his first scene
and that was neat
when i realized who he was later on :)
gotta love that
read a couple reviews
in which tom cruise was lauded
for being portrayed in a completely different way
one thing they got totally wrong tho
he still looks cool
his character is cool
and that's ok
but would ol' tom ever play
an uncool character?
that would be really neat to see
(ok, magnolia was kind of getting there
but he was playing an uncool character trying to be cool, so...)

anyways
2 movies
both action types
made for a full sunday afternoon
both were worth watching
collateral more so than manchurian
if only because the acting seemed stilted in the later
soooo....
if you're into action
and plots that wrap up nicely
both these movies
will suit your fancy just fine ;)

on feeling blue - an excerpt from a commentary by ko

hm,
blue is my favourite colour
i think i grew up
as a serious kid
and blue
especially dark blue
and most especially
the deep dark infinite blue of the early night sky
was something that always felt like "me"
that being said,
my personality
often tended towards
the melancholic side of life
and so,
blue days
were a normal thing for me

i think one of the biggest things about it was
i wasn't happy being me
or with me
i KNEW i was here to do something "Great"
for some higher purpose
but if God or the universe was going to let me know
what exactly that purpose was/is
they sure didn't seem very clear on it
that being said
without that knowledge
that inner purpose
and only the barest idea
that there should be SOMETHING out there
life was blue and blue again

one ends up searching for answers
in what others do
and such comparisons
are a bit of a trap...
because what others do
may be absolutely meaningless
to you
and if you think otherwise
then one day in the future
you'll be sitting there thinking
why the heck
did i "waste" all my time
doing all of this stuff
when in the end
i am not happy?
so when i started realizing this
i spent alot of time
thinking alone
talking to myself,
with myself
(or selves... yup all of them)
and had many a heated discussion
on how i should rule the world...
*grin*
in the end though
we figured out
that some of the stuff
that we discussed
was pretty whack
(cRaZy!)
and the real problem was
i couldn't get along
with my selves
you see,
i didn't like me
(or all of me -
some of me was ok :P )
and i didn't love me
thus
i did not accept myself
and that made everything difficult

as for questions about career...
how about life?
from age 11
i began to introspect
alot.
to the point
where certain people
were worried about my behaviour
(parents, teachers, psychologists, etc)
and it wasn't
thinking so much about everyone else moving ahead
as,
i hadn't a clue
what i wanted to do
(heavy thoughts for an 11 year old
but they persisted for a decade and a half)
i found myself in university
studying things i didn't really like
volunteering for all sorts of things
and discovering
all the things that i didn't want to do in life
which left me
still with no clue about what i wanted

people went to work for companies
or became doctors or lawyers
life seemed to be moving forward for them
and all i knew was
i had no idea what i was going to do

i knew that i could do well
in whatever i wanted to do
i just didn't know what.
made life a bit "grey"
as in bleak and sad
or foggy
without direction
i've never really had a particular career
but i've done many different types of work
and there was a point in my life
where i thought to myself
i've done so much
and yet it means so little
because after all these years
i still haven't a clue
as to what i want to do
and all the skills i've learned
are useless
because they only confirm
things i do not want to do
sucks to be me eh?
thing is though,
even tho i'd feel a bit of "pressure"
from what i call society
(the people and world around me?)
it never stuck long...
it didn't matter
what others were doing and achieving
because when i truly thought about it
and put myself in their shoes
i realized i didn't care
to have and live
their lives
it would be just as meaningful
as doing nothing at all
and so i searched on

what i've kind of learned now
is to not really spend alot of time
thinking about the future
instead of thinking where i should be
i look at where i am at
what i want Now
what i care about Now
what means something to me Now
...i pay attention to the present moment
now,
this is not to say
i do not consider the future
and what my current actions may bring
i DO consider the future
but i keep an open mind
to change
to flow
to the fact that even the best of plans
never turn out quite exactly as you intend
i've learned to be flexible and adaptive
to the situation,
to the person,
to the moment
to the Now
and now i find myself
less melancholic
than i've ever been in my life
less serious
than i used to be
if i was born old
i have now grown up to be
young
:)
it's a happier place

i deal with stuff that is happening in me
when i am depressed,
i spend some time
quiet time
with myself
and try to understand why
try to ask myself what is making me sad, angry, irritable
and if i can't figure out
any meaningful answer
i try to find a place and just chill
movie theatres are one of my favourite places
;)
thing is,
i've gotten pretty open with myself
honest with "me"
and i find
i can talk to myself fairly easily now
i can admit to
things i am ashamed of
things i am embarrassed about
and it makes life a heck of a lot easier

i've always been... a passionate person
when i do things
people call me a perfectionist
or a workaholic
but i think they misunderstand...
i'm incredibly lazy
and unfocused
unless
it's something i really care about
and when i was younger
i found i cared about a lot of things
i got involved very easily
and very emotionally
in different things
with different things
i got fired up pretty easy :P
my friends told me i was
"very intense"
but i never had a sense
that i was establishing a career
i was very much
following my heart
in what i felt
was right
was worthwhile
and with every summer that passed
i felt like i had aged 10 years
i learned alot
but maybe it was too fast and too hard
and i found myself
growing so much older
than all the people around me

i could understand my friends
and often helped them out
listening to their stories
and offering advice
but i felt so alone
because no one could really
understand me
or help me

being alone
being lonely
was a fact of life
and i think
i really didn't like it
made me sad
made me think a lot
the more i did
the more jaded i became
i became pessimistic and cynical
because
the world of reality
never matched
the world in my dreams
i was... idealistic
too idealistic perhaps

time passed and certain events in my life
came to a climax
and it became a choice
to live
or to die
i realized that i wanted to live...
and so i set about
fixing things in my life
and i started with me
i can't say that there was any one moment
where i suddenly understood this
maybe a scattering
of some little events
after i made my decision
to live
to deal with life

i remember
driving in my car
passing through the university one day
seeing the sun hit the leaves
of the trees shading the road
and i felt happy
i felt joy
simple uncomplicated
like nothing i'd ever
experienced before
it was ... amazing

the whole thing with the eyes
came a couple years after
and you know,
i'd spent
most of my childhood
feeling persecuted
feeling like a victim
of society
of the world around me
of fate, God and the universe
and i realized
i didn't want to be a victim any more
so when i lost my sight
i guess my perspective underwent a huge shift
i saw in my heart
that i had 2 choices:

1. be a victim and be blind

2. see what i could do, decide what i wanted to do, and do it

i chose number 2
and while that hasn't stopped me
from slipping into fits of depression
and even anger
i find myself in general
happy now
:)
so all that has happened with my eyes
i see as a gift
a chance to do things very differently
and see the whole world in a completely new way
as i told a friend once,
it was only after i lost my vision
that i truly learned to see clearly

so... career...
my career is about learning
is about growing
is about understanding
my career is about life
and if you accept my definition of career
then i guess that makes me a career person
:)
sometimes i find
we get so caught up with words,
in words
and we miss
the true meaning of things.
we seek to define every thing
career, love, health, friends, family, wealth
when in the end
we are only trying to define ourselves
to discover what we are and who we are
i don't worry too much about career
or about all those other things
i can "speak" about them
but they are exactly subjective
and thus can change as life goes on

when one understands
what one is all about
everything is the same
it's a bit hard to explain...
it has to do with flow
it has to do with just Being
it all comes together
one and the same:)

is being a geek a bad thing?
do you regret
studying like mad in high school?
do you regret
putting in all the work towards your goals?
and afterwards
do you feel
you should have gotten something more
for all the effort you've put in?

can you work
just for money?
to build up some personal finances or assets?
can you do any training
that will increase your knowledge and skills
in a way that is meaningful to you?
do you want to be what you think you are?
or is what you are
simply something
you feel "stuck" with now
now that you've dedicated so much of your time,
your energy
and your life
into it?

knowing what you want in life
is the hardest thing about life
often times
you think you know what you want
but when you get it
you're still not happy
or it turns out
that what you wanted
is different from
what you expected

expectations are the insanity of the mortal mind
they are what holds us in a world
that is not real
they can make us happy
they can make us sad
and if we shift our expectations
change them or reverse them
happy, sad
good and bad
can be reversed in an instant
crazy eh!

i find
i have less and less expectations
of myself
and of the people around me...
of the world around me
i try to see things
as they are
not as i want them to be
or wish and hope them to be
it makes life... simpler
that doesn't mean
that i can do this all the time
but when i do discover
that i am sad or upset
i realize
that i have an expectation
and
that it is something i've created
within myself
a denial of how things are
and a wish
for how things "should" be
it's an illusion in the end:)

do you feel pressure
from the people in your life?
do you wish
you had what they had?
a new job?
a partner in life?
a baby?
if you truly want something
that's a gift of life
from God
or from the universe
however you want to look at it
because it's something
that allows you
to define yourself
the trick is
to not delude yourself
into thinking you want something
when you really don't
and this is something
many of us do all the time

about all those other people
"everyone else"
do you feel
that their lives are full?
are exciting and meaningful?
that they are "going somewhere"?
and are "accomplishing something"?
often times
it is very hard to see
the troubles that go along
with what one has, does or achieves
maybe they wish,
or will wish
that they could be free
of work
of spouse
of children
maybe they regret
that they didn't spend more time
exploring
when they had the time
and now they have too many responsibilities
to even consider doing
what YOU are doing
maybe they wish
they could just chill on a beach
and dive on a whim
with amazing creatures
do you see,
why i say
it's all an illusion?
the reality is Now
where you are
and what you are doing
the past
the future
things not here in the present moment
are all unreal
you cannot change them
you cannot affect them
they are meaningless
and have no substance
but what you can do
is affect and change
what is happening
exactly Now
how you think
and how you see things
how much attention you pay
how passionately you live
Now
not before,
not in the future,
NOW! :)

about me,
people think
it's impossible
to be a workaholic and chill
well they don't understand
what it truly is
to be ... me :)
one can chill
with an intensity in the moment
i mean,
really just CHILL!
vividly, passionately
i cannot think of a suitable word
it sounds paradoxical
but it's not
if i decide to slack off
i become a perfectionist at slacking off
or chilling
and i'll worry about other stuff later
when i decide to not chill
and when i decide to "work" again
when that mindset sinks in
everything can be about play
work is play
play is work
being laid back is intense
and being intense is relaxing
because there's no added stress
to the soul
does that make any sense?
i feel like i'm almost sermonizing here
i hope it doesn't come across that way
i'm just sharing
my um... philosophy of life?
that sounds too grand and archaic
how about
the shit i contemplate every day ;)
much better!
*grin*
i'll finish off my ramblings with this thought
we are the only reason
we are unhappy
think about it
*wink*

i hope i've not totally freaked you out
sometimes i get
carried away
when i start "talking"
:)
i guess i'm a geek
and i don't mind at all :)
thing is though
i'm not only a geek...
labels are silly things
they make us conform
they close our minds
i am a geek,
a jock,
a scholar,
a peasant,
a visionary,
a warrior,
a pacifist,
a leader,
a follower,
a lover,
a fighter,
a seeker,
a hero,
a coward.
i am life
i am death
i am mortal
and immortal
i finally realized
i am that i am
and there is no i

and that's as simple as it gets...
freaky eh?
*wink*
one would almost expect
glowing lights
and the universe coming to an end...
if this were the climax of a some abstract movie
hehehehee
:)

at work... can you believe what happens here?

sometimes
my workplace is
surreal
software engineering office...
ex-gas station building converted...
maybe it's the personalities
that inhabit this old decrepit building
(ok, it may be old and leaky,
but it still looks ok from the outside)
right now,
my colleague is shaving his chest
with an electric shaver
he's been doing this
for the past 20 minutes
as if
one can't hear the sounds
when there's a partition in the way
nevermind,
that anyone walking by the door
can see straight into his area
and don't mention
the big picture window
that both of our desks face
oh yeah,
and he's the one who insists on
having the blinds completely open
yup,
the things i have to put up with
and i have to walk past his desk to get out of the room
now normally i'd say,
to each his own
but when he's dusting off hair particles
i get a bit grossed out
(there is ALOT of hair)
plus the sounds he's making
(weird moaning sounds)
and the smells in the air
(strange lotion smells)
one wonders not only about
how unhygienic this might be
but what goes through his head
that makes him so comfortable doing this
maybe he just feels like he's at home...
oh well,
i thought i'd try to write
something profound
and um,
guess inspiration strikes in the place of the crass today
and so i'm just writing this

galapagos comments?

this post is for a friend of mine, di
to post ideas and comments
about our upcoming galapagos trip next year
so comment away and see if this works, di
and let's see if it gets around your compose failure problems
:)
also,
anyone with info or ideas on the galapagos islands in ecuador
feel free to comment!
places to visit
places to stay
costs of the above
and whatever other misc info
that you think might be handy
comment away!
:)

[review] ko's view on other movies... LONG post

so what else have i seen lately?

i, robot
i enjoyed it
went in with low expectations
and wasn't disappointed
will smith has a neat charisma
tho i think i like him better
when he's less "serious" and more like he was in id4
neat cars
fairly predictable plot

king arthur
the guy who plays arthur
seemed kind of wooden to me
he's got cool armor
and a neat sword
but reminds me of a nicholas cage lookalike
who cannot really act
(i like cage!)
i think i liked him better
in his small death scene in bourne identity
i liked his knights
they had character ;)
and so did the bad guys
they weren't pathetic losers
who act like magnets to attract every freaking goodguyarrow
*grin*
and cerdic and cynric
(bad guy and his son)
were neat
i've seen them in other movies
but because of the haircut and the accents
didn't recognize them at all
read a few arthurian legend type books lately
and this was a neat interpretation
where the knights came from
merlin
guinevere's story was a bit too "miraculous"
(she sure healed fast
and her condition didn't come anywhere close to
the other prisoners)
and the whole roman angle with hadrian's wall
very neat
i'd see it again if it weren't for the wooden arthur guy
:)

harold and kumar go to white castle
this was better than i thought
tho i had NO expectations for this movie
nothing profound
nothing that i'll really be quoting
but a light-hearted
easy going story
with a classic nice light hearted ending
tho i'm sure
someone should get heartburn
from eating all those burgers
ok,
the doogie angle was funny ;)

spider-man 2
tobey maguire cannot act
he's the same in every movie he's ever been in
no personality
no character
and his emotions are strained
it's like he's ACTING emotional
when he even attempts it
that being said
i've got to say
this is the first time
i've seen him in a movie
and accepted he's the character
(in this case peter parker)
and not tobey-maguire-who-needs-to-go-back-to-cooking-school
doc oc was cool
and i like the angles
of the "good guy villain"
they had it for the first one
dafoe's acting was the only thing
that made that watchable
and they've done it again
and i like it
it makes the lines between good and evil
less clear
and more human
plus,
it's cool to have a good guy superhero
who's not glowing and pure with a nice lil halo around him
but messes up
(in this case quite often)
and ends up in situations
with no "happy ending"
just an ending
and him having to deal with the consequences
no easy answers
...sounds like rl eh?
(rl = real life *wink*)
and of course
ever important marketing ploy
gotta love
how they set it up
for another sequel
looking forward to it now :)

shrek 2
ok,
with the pixar trailers to this movie
i'm even more looking forward
to "the incredibles"
;)
loved puss in boots
so cute and clever in the animation
and shocking revelations!
hehehe
gotta love how we're led to "see" one image
and then the truth is revealed
loved donkey
going to be quoting him lots again
(still working on that popping noise he makes in the carriage
can't get it quite right...
any suggestions anyone?!)
didn't like fairy godmother
can't really say why
and in general
i liked all the little things they put in
the spoofs of other movies
but they were happening so fast
(see the dancing furniture scene)
i know i need to see this one again
before i appreciate them all :)

terminal
heck,
tom hanks rocks
he's been around so long
and been in so many movies
one would think
his face would get attached to a character
but some how
he's once again pulled it off
and done an amazing job
of becoming another character
heard this movie was a chick flick
don't know why
anyone who's interested
in the craft
would likely appreciate this movie
nicely written
and not too heavy

fareinheit 9/11
woah
ok,
didn't like michael moore's manipulations
in bowling for columbine
(tho i thought the movie was very provoking
-in a good way
i can't call it a documentary
...too much personal comment maybe?)
and in this one
he was so much more subtle
that the message carries through
must say i learned alot
and now i'm mildly interested
to see what happens with the us election
this fall
me
who does not really give a damn about politics
:)

bourne supremacy
after having
one the greatest disappointments
in my life
watching the bourne identity
i decided
to completely forget the books
when i went to see this
and it made the story tolerable
and enjoyable enough
got to say
i'm a ludlum fan
(his real stuff
not all this crappy marking spinoff stuff
that they're doing now
using his name
but having other writers write for him
...like they can't figure out
that we all know he's DEAD?!)
and i've read the bourne series in particular
um, 4 or 5 times now
but anyways,
managed to divest myself
of character association
and the movie was ok
tho how they plan
on carrying it further
i'm not sure
as they're running out of names
(and i must say
they are good at making new ones up)
as they kill off all the original characters
who should have been alive throughout the series
my guess is
they're heading for a tv series
and they want free reign with the story line
so they're getting rid of baggage
(ie. plot)
and just creating a persona
which they can fill with any two bit actor
once it goes to tv
but that's just my guess :)

man on fire
ok
denzel is another one of my favourites
and i gotta say
that watching how they told this story
i almost believed it was for real
or at least based on some real life character
and i think
that gave the ending way more impact
sucks to realize
that they made it all up
because the story isn't all that believable
but then,
they made me believe it any ways
for a moment at least
:)

harry potter 3
ok,
i liked it
this is the first time
they've not stayed with the book religiously
and i'd say
it's a good move on their part
while the first 2 were extremely faithful
(movies to the book)
they were boring
and i'm glad someone finally realized
that the book was way better than the movie
because it was at a "book" pace
and movies don't quite work the same
now i won't comment
on what they left out
but i think they can fill in alot of it
in future movies
which we all know
they're going to be making for sure
the new dumbledore
is way better than the old one
way more energy
and "feels" more like the way the book reads
it will be interesting to see
how they make the darker sequels
they made an interesting compromise
with the dementors in this movie
:)

ok that's enough for now
head's hurting
can't believe i remembered all that
must say tho
i've not seen an 'amazing' movie
since 'last samurai'
ken watanabe really deserved to win
but oh well
he'll just have to get into another american film
and they'll award him with an oscar for that
(seems like the academy has been playing catchup
for a few years now...
quel dommage)
ok
finis!
:)