a pet peeve

there i was
replying to an email
from a friend
and between bursts of work
and burst of email
i wondered
what would be
the inspiration
for my next blog
and then it happened
when i went to send my email
out of yahoo
the server crashed or something
and that means
my email is lost
god, i hate that
the stupid thing is
the last 3 emails
i actually copied into my paste buffer
just in case
and then saved in draft form
again
just in case
and of course
nothing happened
coincidence or fate?
whatever it is
i've got to say
it's supremely annoying
especially since
i went into babble mode
and prolly wrote some really deep
insightful and wise sounding stuff
without even realizing it
but when i will make
my future attempt
to recreate that streak of enlightenment
it'll unfailingly come out
crappy
well,
this is the first time
in a little while
that it's happened again
and i was doing all that copy/save/draft stuff
because yahoo seems a bit flaky
now that they've gone to 100MB free storage
and everyone is ditching hotmail
and switching to there
(at least that's the reason i think they're not as stable
as they used to be)
in any case
it doesn't bring back
what was lost
which makes one wonder
if an email is lost in a server crash
was it ever really written?
(zen ko-an aura)
woah...
(neo aura)

so what is it
that makes this so annoying?
one puts all this time and effort
into doing this
and one knows
that over time
it will be as if
it was never written
as the words fade from memory
or the email is deleted
so why is it such a big deal?
(a little "big deal",
but a big deal nonetheless)
maybe it's because
when i write
it's like i'm speaking
rather than writing
and i'd like to think
i'm as animated
as i feel inside
and as if
i were having a face to face conversation
then,
something like this happens
and it's like
the present was re-written
as if all this effort
all the feelings and emotions
have been wasted
and it's like
it's never existed in the "real world"
and yet you KNOW you've felt them
because you just went through it all
...hey
isn't that like those theories
on time travel
and changing the past
and how it affects things in the future?
you might remember things differently
because you're out of the time/space continuumthingy
but everyone else will only know
the after-effects
of the changes you've made
in this case
it's not even anything as grand as that
you're living in your own little universe
where something has happened
but it's totally unreal
never existed
in any one else's reality
sucks...
maybe that's what it's like to be insane
different realities and all that
so how does one make it sane then?
how does one make it real?
well,
one writes another email
describing the other email that one previously wrote
or one can blog...
then somehow,
it makes it more real, right?
because people will know it existed
-that first email
...the GENESIS email!
now what if it happens twice in a row?
then what does one do?
write an email
explaining how one wrote an email
about the first email (GENESIS email)?
ok,
i'm not tripping out here
the worst case of this
happened 3 times in a row to me once
and the only noticable difference
between the emails
was that the progressive emails
got shorter and shorter
understandable right?
now you're prolly thinking
how stupid could he be,
to let something like that
happen 3 times in a row?
well let me tell you...
first time it happened,
server crashed
second time it happened
wrote a shorter email
and figured the first crash was a one-off thing
but it crashed again anyways
THIRD time, got smarter
(or so i thought)
and wrote the email and saved it to draft
but the draft thingy was crashed too
because this genius here
thought maybe it was only the "compose" part of the server
that was crashing
logical eh?
*mutter*
(it was a LONG day, ok?)
so the fourth time
i actually copied and pasted everything
into a notepad or word file
(can't remember which)
and of course
it didn't crash
murphy's law?
or just another one of
the universe's little tests of patience?
hmmm...
anyways
where was i going with this?
ah yeah,
shorter and shorter...
what if this kept happening?
would the thoughts and emotions
that inspired the first email
eventually cease to be?
or would they be replaced
by some other emotion?
(ie. the emotional need
to hit aforementioned server with a sledgehammer)
i don't think the original inspiration
the original feelings
are ever replaced
i think they just fade
as you write the same thing over and over
and try to re-capture
what you did the first time
in the end,
it becomes meaningless some how
mechanical maybe
and from personal experience
it gets harder and harder
to write it again
if only because
there's nothing to spark the writing or speaking
and that's why
the anger or frustration that comes in
isn't really replacing anything
because you can write a line or two
(or if you're like me
twohundredmillionBLOGlines)
in frustration
but in truth
it will have nothing to do with
what you originally were writing
maybe it's like that karma thing
that reincarnation thing
where one goes and does something
over and over
until one realizes
sooner or later
the futility of the action
and then stops
out of wisdom
or out of boredom
and moves on to something else
and the cycle repeats
and repeats
and repeats
and repeats
and somewhere along the line
after everything seems "pointless"
(in this mortal world of ours)
we become evolved, higher beings
and are enlightened
and then the music begins
*la la la*
and the beams of light shine down
*beam*
from the sky
(where else?!)
and you're like a god or something then
*halo*
:)
if so,
the question now is
do i re-write that email to my friend?
or do i sit and wait for scotty to beam me up?
*ponder*